Valentines is the epitome of an overcommercialized holiday. It imposes on parents, encourages sexual stereotypes, enables predatory behavior, and obstracizes the lonely, making them feel worse than they already do. Cue the horror fans, who have basically hijacked February to be our second Halloween. Nothing wrong with love, enjoy your flowers. My couples advice though, stay clear of small intimate restaurants next to dark alleys. This month’s theme is cannibals in love.
nibbling hunger romantic dinner for two cannibals in love
Time gets the best of all of us, but if starting anew can happen any day of the year, why do we wait for January? Do we really need time’s permission to change? The only thing it’s time to do is toss out old thinking. The theme this January is about rebirth.
shedding old skin talons ripping through the flesh birth of a monster
Title: Talk to Me Director: Danny and Michael Philippou Starring: Sophia Wilde, Marcus Johnson, Alexandra Johnson, Joe Bird and Miranda Otto Distributed by: A24 Running Time: 1hr 35min
When a group of Australian friends become addicted to conjuring spirits using the embalmed hand of a satanic medium, they quickly learn the dangers of opening doors to the spirit world.
The movie starts out with a grieving Mia (Sophia Wilde), hot off her mom’s funeral, begging her BFF Jade (Alexandra Johnson) to go to a party, so they can experience some fun and excitement. She’s particularly close with Jade and Jade’s younger brother Riley (Joe Bird), even Jade’s mom, played by Miranda Otto (of LOTR and Sabrina fame) who is hip to the kids and their little white lies, but this struggling single mom is also a busy nurse who gets called back to hospital leaving the trio alone to go sneak off to the party.
It’s unclear at this point if Mia has had time to process her mom’s death but she’s obviously a muddled mess of emotions and prime target for what’s about to happen.
Each teen takes their turn, first, they’re strapped to a chair and tied down tight by the biggest member of their group (if that ain’t a red flag I dunno what is), next, they light a candle, grab hold of the embalmed hand and say one of two commands, “talk to me” or “I let you in”. What follows is 90 seconds of madness.
What should be a terrifying event (see every other horror movie ever made about conjuring the dead), these kids instead get a huge thrill out of being possessed. In some ways, the movie likens it to getting high. Spirits take control of the teens’ bodies and say the wildest shit. Some spirits are good, some spirits are bad, some spirits are horny and make out with the dog, and some spirits are recently deceased family members who have committed suicide for unknown reasons.
Mia instantly becomes obsessed with touching the hand, desperate to communicate with her dead mother again. Despite objections from Jade, and the other more hardened members of their friendship circle, Mia’s quest blinds her to the dangers so much that she drags young Riley with her to friend Hayley’s house for another go. This time, giving permission, that she doesn’t actually have, allowing Riley to partake in the fun, but playtime is over.
Mia’s weakened emotional state and the group’s bending of the rules, attract the attention of a demonic spirit and this one’s not letting go of Riley.
In Talk to Me, there is a clear separation between the living and the spirit world, but it matters not because these kids don’t pay attention to rules or respect the dead. This is horror movie version of fuck around and find out.
Mia’s life begins to quickly unravel, until she basically becomes a conduit for evil demons looking for a soul. Mia hallucinates and even allows spirits to possess Jade’s boyfriend, in what becomes just one of a very long line of frustrating scenes as we watch Mia’s choices go from bad to worse until the unthinkable happens.
My initial thoughts were Talk to Me wasn’t as scary as it could have been, but I began to appreciate the film after a second viewing and its contributions towards horror.
First, there’s the amazing and very realistic portrayl of Gen Z. As I stated before, these kids reveled in being possessed, rather than get scared. I dont know if it’s social media, bad parenting, or shitty education system, all of which seem to be a worldwide problem, but this generation is missing some serious critical thinking skills. The desire for instant thrills, gratification, and lack of self preservation to the point they’re messing with the dead is bonkers. Like any good A24 movie, I’m sure there was subtext and hints all over the movie that clued audiences into what was happening, but the performances are so spectacular that we can’t do anything but zero in on what’s happening to Mia, and then Riley.
Riley, oh my gosh, if there’s a victim of the year award in film, hands down it belongs to this character. Your heart will break, your skin will crawl, you’ll feel pain just by looking ar him. It’s horrific, and it’s one of the many reasons I’m highly recommending everyone spend $ to rent on Amazon Prime on Halloween night.
Scariest scenes: Any scene involving the possessed Riley in the hospital and his torture scene.
Title: The Boogeyman Director: Rob Savage Starring: Chris Messina, Sophie Thatcher, Vivien Lyra Blair Distributed by: 20th Century Studios Running Time: 1hr 38m
Based off the 1973 short story by Stephen King, I found this one on Hulu the other night. I hadn’t read the story before, so I thought maybe it would be a paranormal movie, but it kinda turned into a creature feature. For anyone new to the lore, a Boogeyman is predominantly North American mythos of a hellish creature that hides in closets, under the bed, or other dark creepy places and eats children who misbehave, or in this case, are just unlucky.
A recently widowed psychologist Will Harper (always solid Chris Messina) and his two daughters, teen Sadie (Yellowjackets star ingenue Sophie Thatcher) and young Sawyer (very talented Vivien Lyra Blair) are still reeling after the unexpected death of the mother, when the youngest girl suddenly finds stalked by the Boogeyman. It’s a little unclear how the creature came to find young Sawyer, maybe the family’s collective grief invited the Boogeyman into the home.
Or it could have been this sad welp below, who lost his family in the movie’s opening scene.
Lester Billings (played by my new favorite character actor David Dastmalchian) shows up in doc’s office, totally unannounced, without an appointment, and talking about the creature that comes for your kids when you’re not paying attention. Dark stuff and the doc Harper agees, there’s something off about this dude. For some creepy reason, while Harper is in the next room calling 911, Lester decides to check out the families’ closets and quickly finds out the Boogeyman eats adults too. Btw, the Boogeyman is also an extreme multi-tasker because it manages to haunt two families at the same time.
Now about that Boogeyman, filmmakers kept all the traditional tropes to make their monster feel familiar to audiences, hiding in the dark, afraid of light, mimicing voices, fast traveling like ghosts or a spirit, but, then, they also smartly added some new characteristics to unnerve and surprise filmgoers, moving away from a paranormal entity to a more corporeal physical creature.
It was ugly, had tentacle-like appendages walked on ceilings, moved in all directions, making it near impossible to outrun.
Monsters are not all powerful though. In fact, they have a lot of limitations, and Sadie and Sawyer turn out to be two smart cookies, who manage to defeat the Boogeyman, for now at least. People should probably still check under the bed and in the closet.
I found this PG-13 horror thriller to be a short enjoyable romp. The film relies on the creeponess of the dark, jump scares and the anxieties of a grieving family to scare audiences. Much like Lake Mungo, a film I reviewed earlier this month, grief is a powerful negative emotion that really opens you up to supernatural. Since there’s no gore, sex, and only mild use of drugs and bad language, The Boogeyman is probably good for families looking to introduce older kids into horror.
Scariest scenes: When young Sawyer rolls her lamp ball under the bed to reveal the Boogeyman for the first time and another jump scare moment when the Boogeyman suddenly appears and grabs Sadie.
Hammer’s unique story mash up between Burke and Hare cases, legendary serial killer Jack the Ripper, and Robert Louis Stevenson’s Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde is a mesmorizing gender-bender thriller.
Set in infamous Whitechapel at the height of Jack the Ripper’s murderous spree, Dr. Henry Jekyll (Ralph Bates) hell-bent on his quest for immortality, crosses moral barriers with his experiments.
At first, the young doctor pays a local mortician to acquire body parts of newly-deceased women who end up in the morgue, but when supplies run low, the doctor enlists the grisly services of two lowly gentleman, Burke and Hare, who indiscriminately kill unsuspecting victims and bring their dead bodies to Dr. Jekyll.
But Dr. Jekyll’s serum has unintended consequences, when it transforms his own body into the body of a beautiful woman, who he eventually names Mrs. Hyde (Martine Beswick). He tells his noisy neighbors, including his admirer Susan (Susan Brodrick), that the alluring woman now living with him is his recently widowed sister.
Between The Ripper and Burke and Hare, the city of Whitechapel is gripped by fear. Someone eventually finds out about deadly duo’s murderous deeds and they succomb to the town’s pitchfork. This leaves Dr. Jekyll at a disadvantage, just as he was making progress with his serum.
Sister Hyde quickly realizes her demise is tied to Dr. Jekyll’s research, so she begins stalking the dark alleys of Whitechapel herself for young female victims to murder in the name of science.
Back in 1971, the idea of a man transforming into a woman was really taboo stuff. For some moviegoers, that in of itself was the horror. Despite the obvious misogynistic horror trope of making every other woman who appears on a screen a victim, this film really pioneered LGBTQ and woman empowerment themes.
Martine Beswick really stands out here with her cutthroat and sensual performance as Sister Hyde. She’s one spooky bitch, and probably deserves a little more attention in the pantheon of horror villains. If you’re new to Hammer Horror, definitely give this wickedly smart thriller a watch.
Title: Gonjiam: Haunted Asylum Director: Jung Bum-shik Starring: Wi Ha-joon, Park Sung-hoon, Ji-Hyun Park Distributed by: Showbox Running Time: 1 hour 35 minutes
I found this South Korean ghost flick while strolling through Tubi the the other day. Korean horror cinema is known for its bleak and tragic outcomes and this one was right on point.
Inspired by a real CNN travel story that named Gonjiam one of seven freakiest places on Earth, Director Jung Bum-shik crafts a story of a web series film crew live streaming their visit to the abandoned South Korean asylum, in hopes to make big money, only to find it plagued with demonic forces.
The movie starts with a motley group answering an ad posted by Youtube owner Ha-joon for “Horror Times” to shoot a live-streamed event held at the long abandoned and haunted Gonjiam, the site where dozens of curious trespassers and self-proclaimed ghost hunters have disappeared from. Room 402 in particular is so haunted, no one can even open the door. The controversial mental hospital had closed after the death of its pioneer director, who mysteriously killed herself. Rumor was, the asylum was actually a place designed to torture and kill political prisoners.
Now, if there’s one thing I’ve learned from decades of watching paranormal films, is that ghosts don’t like liars and fakers, but what they hate most of all is being disrespected and underappreciated. Basically, all ghosts act like teenage girls.
Despite the natural setting of an abandoned hospital, the film crew’s captain, played by Wi Ha-joon from Squid Game fame, decides to trick audiences by setting up fake shots of “haunted activity”. Ugh! Ha-joon sets up camp a half mile down the road to control the broadcasts, all while directing his crew to film and go where he wants.
Well, dude, the spirits see your creepy doll and motion detector lights, and raise you wheelchairs that move on their own, ghastly ping pong balls, and changing wall messages from “let’s live” to “let’s die”.
As the exploring crew go deeper and deeper into the hospital, their experiences with the former residents increase enough to spook them out and they all try to flee. It doesnt take long for them to find out though, once you’re admitted to Gonjiam, there’s no escape.
Gonjiam is a mix of standard horror fare and hand-held camera footage, which provides the most scares. The formulaic film relies heavily on the dark atmosphere and jump scares, but honestly, there’s not enough of them to make this film stand out. That said, it’s not the worst way to spend the evening.
Scariest scene: Crew member Charlotte finds herself locked in Room 402 with a ghost of a naked man.
Title: Lake Mungo Director: Joel Anderson Starring: Rosie Traynor, Talia Zucker, David Pledger, Martin Sharper Distributed by: Arclight Films Running Time: 88 minutes
Since its release in 2008, the psychological thriller Lake Mungo consistently shows up in peoples’ top scary movies you’ve never seen lists. This was originally a movie that I skipped back in the day because it was a found footage horror like mega-hits The Blair Witch, 1999, or Paranormal Activity, 2007. Although hugely popular, I thought slow-burn, hand-held shaky cam stylized horror films had oversaturated the market in the 2000s and I grew tired of them. The only found footage gem to come from that era was the 2007 Spanish zombie film Rec.
Instead of in-your-face jump scares, slow-burn horror movies move at a snail’s pace and build up all the tension up front, usually for an hour and a half, all for one big giant scary payoff at the end. It’s a film technique that flat-out doesn’t work for some horror fans, particularly any with attention deficit disorders. After finding Lake Mungo on good ole Tubi, I decided to give it a try. After getting over my usual gripes about slow-burn, found-footage films, I began to appreciate Lake Mungo for what the film was really selling, death and existential dread.
The movie starts with a typical Australian middle-class family living in Victoria suburbia of Ararat, explaining through documentary-style interviews and shared family and police photos and videos, how the recent mysterious loss of their teenage daughter Alice has devastated their family.
Watching a family grieve is never fun. Audiences are immediately thrust into one family’s nightmare scenario and it’s here where the excellent casting becomes one of the most brilliant things about Lake Mungo. Thanks to these strong unassuming low-key performances, the beginning is utterly depressing. It feels like you’re watching a documentary about a real family mourning their daughter, sister, and friend, a beautiful, cheerful girl living what we think is the perfect life. The painful agony of tragically losing a loved one hits hard, yet, boredom might set in for anyone who hasn’t experienced any such loss.
Eventually, evil starts to seep into the family’s photographs and found footage as the movie progresses. Through police photos, we learn what Alice’s father Russell saw when he identified Alice’s body but Alice’s mother June couldn’t bring herself to look, which leads to her not finding closure. Later, a particularly agonizing stunt pulled by her grieving son Matthew, who is also dealing with his sister’s death in a different way, prompts June to begin questioning whether her daughter is actually dead.
In her quest, June meets a psychic Ray who may hold the key to understanding Alice’s untimely demise. June and the family uncover truths about Alice’s double life and clues leading them back to the source of evil at Lake Mungo.
In his feature-length writing and directorial debut, Joel Anderson makes all the smart choices in mixing documentary-style interviewing, showing photographs, and found footage video to tell his story. While some shots are repeated, and there are a few red herrings, no scene is wasted. You’re constantly fed new information and you’ll start scouring the screen looking for ghosts or signs of the paranormal. The tension towards the end is agony because you know something is not right, but you’re not sure what it is. Be sure to watch through the credits as the extra photos confirm paranormal evidence.
Scariest scene: Near the end, the big reveal of what Alice saw at Lake Mungo. It’s a subtle scare, one that takes a while for you to get creeped out.
‘Ber months may start tomorrow, but Summer isn’t over just yet. There’s still 23 days left to celebrate Summerween. I couldn’t decide which is scarier, horror films featuring spooky cabins or mysterious beaches. So, here’s a double list with the best of both worlds. From creature features to crazed killers, you can find all of these films streaming somewhere. Let me know which list you think has the scariest movies.
Halloween Horror Haiku 
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